Narcissism 2011

More than 100 years ago psychologist Havelock Ellis pointed to the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus as a providing a literary picture for a phenomenon he was increasingly finding--a kind of focused "self-contemplation" which had "auto-erotic" dimensions to it. That latter phrase piqued the interest of one Sigmund Freud, who went on to develop a rather full theory of narcissism as the primitive state of self-love, a love that is usually transcended by "object-love" as we grow older. It wasn't until the late 1960s, however, through the work of Theodore Milton, that a fuller description of narcissism emerged. For Milton, and subsequently the influential Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissism had several features: (1) inflated self-image; (2) exploitative actions; (3) cognitive expansiveness or feelings of grandiosity; (4) indifference to people; and (5) a deficient social conscience.

Moving to 2011

We need not accept either the "five feature" approach of Milton or the sexual/erotic definition of the earlier psychoanalysts to believe that narcissism, which I might tentatively define as a persistent and powerful self-aggrandizement, with little capacity or interest to understand others, is very prevalent in our world. Indeed, the motivation for this essay is to share three or so characteristics that I believe identify the narcissist--derived from several patent, powerful and sad examples of this phenomenon I have worked closely with in the last few years. Write to me if you have any feedback--or additional/different features you can mention.

Three Features of Narcissism

(1) The narcissist is committed to compartmentalizing his life so that no one really knows all the things that are going on in it. I frequently work with people--helping them think more clearly about the variety of things going on in their lives. Usually I can get a full-orbed picture of the pressures or tasks or commitments of a person within a few hours of meeting with him (note I don't use "her..." because I believe that most narcissists are male; I was going to say "all" until I watched the performance of Sarah Palin in the past week, as she seemed to try to make the AZ shooting deaths somehow an issue about her...); however, the narcissist wants me not to understand more than just the one issue I am working on with him. Even in that issue, he often is evasive in describing it, wanting to control the discussion almost completely and not being very open to searching or even informational questions. After thinking about it for a while, I conclude that the narcissist compartmentalizes his life because he knows, somewhere in the conscious or sub-conscious realm, that his life and commitments and acts don't "add up.."; there are inconsistencies galore, and he cannot stand to think that anyone would expose those. The best way to control his environment, then, is through parsimonious doling out of information regarding himself and his work.

(2) The narcissist is unwilling to admit a mistake, except in the smallest or most trivial areas. Normally he is able to shift the discussion from the subject matter before probing questions are asked of what he has just said; often if he isn't able to shift the subject manner, he will resort to all kinds of strategems, including lying, just to make sure that his basic points aren't really open to scrutiny. Fundamentally, the narcissist cannot stand to think that anyone would be in the position of following his line of thinking so well as to find mistakes and false trails in it. He isn't fully confident in himself; thus the eagerness quickly to change the subject or, alternatively, to retreat into a verbal fog that can't be understood. An adjunct of this is that the narcissist feels he has to control the agenda of a meeting, sometimes almost completely. If it even slightly gets out of his hand, he will feel he is in danger of losing control and, eventually, losing the point on which he has based his claims--regarding which he is so self-centered.

(3) The narcissist excercises bad judgment on a regular basis. Because he finds the criticism, and even the probing questions, by others to be painful and ultimately unacceptable, he only hears the echoes of his own thoughts. This results in a kind of intellectual echo chamber, where whispers, as it were, become shouts, and vice versa. When this happens, the senses become skewed and statements, decisions and thoughts take on a life of their own without the cautionary help of colleagues or friends.

Conclusion

These aren't the only features of the narcissist. Two other things that characterize the several narcissists I have worked with closely over the past several years are: (1) that they have an inability to listen to others, frequently changing the subject when questions are raised or, often, seemingly ignoring legitimate questions and comments; (2) I have never known a narcissist who has a good sense of humor. They might at times generate a joke, but this is a rare occurrence. Humor takes an ability to relax, and even to see yourself in a rather comical light. This a narcissist cannot do. Thus, in the long run, a narcissist is a pretty dull person, since almost all his efforts are expended to burnish an image rather than to seek understanding.

If you were to ask me if I believed there was one underlying factor responsible for the examples of narcissism I have witnessed, it would be extreme and unresolved tensions with fathers. Perhaps it is the desire to match a father's expectations of him; perhaps it is a desire to prove to the father that his life is actually worthwhile; perhaps it comes from a sense of awe at the father--an inability to see him, too, as a flawed and frail human being. In any case, I would say that the generative key to narcissism is an unresolved tension in knowing how to "grow up" independently of the father.

The longer I live the more unattractive I find narcissism. It is hollow, unhelpful, life-squelching and, frankly, something to be pitied. The last person, however, who generally wants to do something about it is the narcissist himself.

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Another essay on narcissism, written at the end of 2011, is here.