Narcissism Second Essay

I was talking to a close friend yesterday, who told me the story of a former friend of his, whom my friend characterized as a "narcissistic sociopath." This narcissistic sociopath ("NS") wanted back into my friend's life. The NS had left a swath of emotional destruction in his wake as he slept with women who were his clients (some referred to him in good faith by my friend), took money from them, dumped them unceremoniously, and then blamed them for things not working--as he moved onto the next woman. The NS has charming side to him and so, as a sort of "apology" to my friend, told him he (the NS) was including him in a very favorable light in a book he was editing. My friend and I agreed not to let the NS back into my friend's life.

I have had the singular fortune of working with four narcissists in the past three years. Most of these working relationships were close enough so that I could really understand the persona behind the claims for greatness, and not simply the great claims that he (invariably) made. In each case, I offered to or gave specific advice on how such a person could get rid of his narcissism. In each case, except for one (and the jury is still out on that one), relationships have broken off. In three of the cases, where the relationship has broken off, the person has faced various degrees of public humiliation which, in my book, is directly related to his narcissism and inability or unwillingness to consider that he really is a human like everyone else. I continue to want to work with narcissists (there needs to be some compensation, however!), because I firmly believe that the condition hurts people immensely, usually large numbers of people, and that it leads eventually to the destruction of the narcissist's life. Thus, by pointing out their narcissism, or giving them ample opportunities to respond to me as a normal person would, I am (though unsuccessfully so far), allowing them the dignity to recognize the toxic nature of their situation and, if possible, come back to normalcy.

The Challenges of the Narcissist

But the narcissist faces immense challenges, many of which I have detailed elsewhere, but I would add a few here. The narcissist badly misjudges the present because he hasn't properly come to grips with his past. In almost all cases I have seen there is a tremendous gap between his apsirations and the education, intelligence and skill that he actually has. Most narcissists aspire to one of four things: world dominance, extreme wealth, honor by the world (e.g., Nobel Prize) or being loved by everyone (sometimes literally). But there is a tremendous gap between the actual background/training a person has had and his ability to reach these lofty heights. For example, one of the narcissists, who wanted to be utterly rich and famous, spent his time complaining about the ignorance of Ben Bernacke and the Federal Reserve System. Indeed, Princeton Ben and the rest may indeed be leading our culture to easy destruction, but my (former) friend did this from the lofty perch of a part-time-earned business degree from a third-tier school. In addition, he articulated his criticism in absolutely opaque language. He might have been fluent in 10 other languages, though I doubt it--because he was raised in an English speaking country!--but he had extreme difficulty with English.

Narcissists cannot let another person make them look "normal." This means that they cannot let themselves be questioned in ways that will require them to deal with the realities of process and decisions faced by the rest of us. Narcissists may articulate a grand vision for something, but often cannot be bothered with anyone who asks questions about the implementation of the vision, especially if it might call into question the viability of the overall vision. Ultimately, anyone who asks even simple clarifying questions, much less than critical observations, is seen by the narcissist as an enemy--because the purpose of the questions is meant to humanize the narcissist and the narcissits can't admit to his humanity. The narcissist cannot see a good-intentioned question; all he sees is someone who is opposing the grand vision that he is articulating.

Narcissists cut a huge swath of destruction in people's lives. Not only do they significantly hurt the institutions they have led (principally because a narcissist is able to 'divide the house' among those who believe that his "visionary" leadership is just what is needed and those who believe that he is destructive to the organization. This division in the house that results is the unintended work of the narcissist), but they hurt their loved ones. The narcissist doesn't realize that his blindness leads many of his family members to depression, health concerns or living as if they are suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome.

Conclusion

The narcissist will attempt to lop out of his life anyone who doesn't give appropriate recognition, or deference, to him. But in my judgment, narcissists must be confronted, from positions of strength, and shown that their way of living is ultimately destructive, not simply to loved ones and institutions they are responsible for, but also to themselves. Because there is so great a gap between training/experience/skills and their aspirations, they may never be able to "face" reality--it simply may be too painful. They will have to cry a river of tears, apologize to everyone under the sun and then begin again, perhaps with much lesser expectations. It may be harder than ridding oneself of a drug habit; I tend to think it is. But just as some feel called to deal with drug addicts, so at this point, I feel comfortable dealing with narcissits--for a fee of course! It is good that they try to change. As long as they don't try to kill me on the spot, I will keep trying...

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