Needed: A New NOW II

There may be other things that women need, but most desires can be put into one or another of these clusters. My contention is that women, divorced women in particular, do not get good advice in most of these vital areas, making them vulnerable to shysters, less attentive to the value of good legal settlements upon divorce, less able to know how to plan for their futures, and, ultimately, more likely to be living in penurious and even dangerous circumstances. Let me develop these areas:

1. Financial Well-Being as an important area of life might seem so patently obvious that it might seem to be an insult to suggest that people aren't maximizing their potential in this area. But the sad truth, which I have witnessed over and over, is that women, by and large, either didn't get their "half" in the divorce proceedings or, if they did, don't know what to do with it when it is in their hands. They don't know how to budget well; know what to spend money on; how to invest it; how to take responsibility for, sometimes, hundreds of thousands of dollars. They are just told that they are women and therefore are capable. But, the sad truth of the matter is that most divorced women I have encountered are either so afraid or terrified of money that they don't know what to do with it. And so, they lose it. Or, they never really got what is coming to them. Any real "NOW" movement would take seriously the fact that women need trusted, patient, sound advice on how to get the money they need and how to handle it wisely. Of course, everyone's values on how to handle money won't be the same; but there will easily be enough commonality between advisors and the women to make wise decisions.

2. A Sense of Justice Being Served. This is more amorphous but no less real. Everyone faces injustice in life. Lots of it. Divorced women are no different. But the goal of any counseling program for divorced women should be to isolate the areas of her life where justice isn't currently being served and to develop a strategy where this can happen. Perhaps landlords take advantage of her; possibly auto dealers or car repair people, seeing a woman coming, will steer her to less reliable products. She needs to feel that in the various areas of her life, from purchase of annuities to insurance policies to cars to services, she is being treated fairly and is making good deals.

3. Health and Physical Well-Being. Nutritionists and athletic trainers have learned so much about our bodies in the last generation. One of the things we have learned is that a a good combination and balance of proper exercise and good nutrition makes one more optimistic, productive and stronger. Whether it is through yoga classes, nutrition seminars, weight training groups, cardio exercise classes or other forms of body care, divorced women need a lot of advice on how one can use one's diet and body to greatest advantage.

4. The issue of Meaning. This is a broadly inclusive category, which includes all kinds of non-work activities that are meant to give life a deeper sense of meaning. Religious commitments, service opportunities, pursuit of additional degrees or personal enrichment courses, travel and recreation, and other things that give one security and confidence in placing oneself in the world are meant. If one simply is running from job to children to bed and repeating the pattern endlessly, with the weekends spent in catching up on sleep, one is missing out on most of the good things of life. Well, there will probably be weeks, months or even years where one feels one must put some of this "on hold," but women, and divorced women in particular, need to have presented to them opportunities to improve themselves in the "meaning search."

5. Relationships. This includes all kinds of people who are in your life or whom you might want in your life. Friends are useful in almost every situation in life; in fact, I can think of few situations where being at least with one other person isn't highly desirable. But the "dating services" out there generally exist to prey on people under the guise of helping people make valuable connections.

6. Work. I don't believe it is true that everyone will have "meaningful" work. I don't think there is enough of that to go around, at least the way our society is currently structured. But work that makes money and that provides challenge and even gifts to us can generally be found if you know how to look for it. But people need advice, direction, guidance and lots of patient probing from sympathetic and experienced people in order for this to happen. Women need a sense of realism about what is "doable." For example, I met a woman not long ago--an attractive 45, recently divorced, two high-school boys, having to establish herself in the world. She decided that since she liked to solve people's problems, she would go into "conflict resolution." It is a field with only slightly less "buzz" than "going green" or "sustainability." Well, she had a BA and knew she would need additional training, but she found a program that assured her that all really didn't need a law degree, but a master's degree, which the school conveniently offered, was all she needed. She even told me that the school boasted of being able to "place" almost all of its graduates. She was telling me this just the week after the New York Times had published an expose of law schools for promoting job possibilities after law school that, in fact, don't exist.

So, this woman was telling me that she didn't want to go to law school, but since an MA in Conflict Resolution seemed to be good enough, she would invest in it. Well, the program would cost her well over $75,000 and, because I have some knowledge of how lawyers go into conflict resolution (indeed, the lawyers that do so usually have had about 20 years in private practice or on the bench before they do it). Thus, my "friend," unbeknownst to her, would be getting a degree in two years, after plunking down nearly $100,000 and having to compete against senior men, all of whom are lawyers, for a diminishing pie of conflict resolution opportunities. This woman needed a lot of hard-headed counsel on what was possible for her, but she obviously hadn't gotten it. And, in the context of my brief meeting with her, I didn't take it as my responsibility to "straighten out" her life. But I did leave very saddened. Here is a woman, I thought, who is setting herself up to be abused a second time. Only she is going at things with such "optimism" now, because that is the spirit that any divorced woman is almost forced to have--because "optimism" is a sine qua non for people wanting to establish themselves in America.

7. Laughter. I almost wasn't going to put this down as one necessary area--until a few days ago. The reason? I met a woman, and she wanted to know something about me. I wrote her a long email, telling her about some of my current activities, one of which will be my "first-ever" comedy routine at a church talent show in a few days. Well, she didn't seem to interested in my Chinese or Sanskrit or autism work or books or almost anything I said about myself, but she was terribly interested in which jokes I was going to tell. I smiled to myself and realized that most people's lives consist of little humor. Indeed, divorced living, for many, has an air of grimness and seriousness that would have made first-generation feminists very proud. Only, this generation of divorced women is grim for another reason--because life is pretty much stacked against them. So, they need an escape, and humor is a good way to get it.

Another Reflection

The paradigm of liberation, which flowed from mouths of 40 years ago like it was heaven's nectar, has actually gotten people into trouble. Too much liberation, I am convinced, helped to lead to unprecedently-high divorce rates. It wasn't the only cause, of course, but the feeling that one is "entitled" to some kind of freedom in an intimate relationship will make one tend to look at it as a sort of contract to ensure one's own happiness. When this doesn't happen, for whatever reason, the contract can easily be broken, all under the rubric of liberation. But liberation enslaves, and it has done so to the divorced women of America, in large measure.

I don't suppose we can roll back the clock on this one, but we can realize the effect that narratives of liberation have had on committing many women further into various kinds of bondage.

The Proposeal--In Brief

Thus, my proposal should be crystal clear by now. I propose the establishment of a "New NOW," but one that takes into consideration the needs of (primarily) divorced women, especially those needs I have specified above. The purpose would be to establish groups in every urban, suburban and small town area which would be concerned with the practical issues of making women's lives better. Though the group itself may be an additional support network for women, the goal would be to identify professionals in the community who would, at first, donate some of their time and expertise, so that the issues listed above could be addressed. Perhaps one might have a 'weekend immersion' course, where seminars on a variety of essential topics could be presented. The goal would be to connect divorced women with trusted and able professionals in a variety of fields who actually can help them securely and realistically get back on their feet. Divorce itself is no fun; getting back to your "life" or discovering your "life" after divorce can be a very difficult and hazardous undertaking. Help is needed. And, under my model, help would be forthcoming.

Where does this leave the current NOW? Well, I suppose they will continue to lobby Congress on areas of concern that, to most women, are symbolic at best. Not a one of the dozen or so women with whom I have had conversations in the past year about her life mentioned to me that she is holding her breath do see what Congress might do with various bills on partial-birth abortions. Not one of them mentioned to me that her goal was to "instigate feminist activism" as the NOW web site has it. They are interested in trying to get some balance, meaning, love and money in life. And, sadly, they rarely have a clue on how to do it.

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