National Adult Spelling Bee

It is now three days since Joey Chestnut staged the biggest upset of the millennium in competitive eating by taking down (so to speak) Takeru Kobayashi in the Nathan's Independence Day Hot Dog-eating championship on Coney Island (NY). The final "score" was 66 HDB's to 63 HDB's ("hot dog and bun" to you unitiated ones) in twelve minutes. This number is all the more astonishing because the world record at this time last year, held by Kobayashi, was a "mere" 53 or so HDB's. So much pressure did this year's competition place on Kobayashi's stomach that after the competition he suffered a "reversal," according to the polite language of this sport. Which means that he puked his guts out. Or, in language that my mother used to use 50 years ago, "he upchucked." In any case, all the major news outlets have highlighted Chestnut's victory. You would think that he had staged the greatest act of American heroism since Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation.

Though I watched this contest with only minimal interest, what did interest me was the way that competitive eating has become a niche sport in America in the past decade. This interested me because I wanted to see if there are lessons to be learned from competitive eating for a possible emergence of competitive spelling as a national niche sport. Three lessons jumped out at me. First, in order to have a niche sport you need nicknames for the participants. The nicknames should have something to do with the sport, but need not really be connected. After all "Crazy Legs" Conti is a competitive eater; his appellation is completely unrelated to eating quantities of pizza or hot dogs. Second, you need "characters" or "personalities" among the contestants. Some of the eaters were characters because of what they did--rap singer, nude model, etc---some because of how they dressed, some because of how they acted. Finally, you need to have cheerleaders and a silver-tongued announcer who will create the necessary excitement so that people will feel thrilled even if they can't see any of the people cramming their face with food.

With these three ideas in mind, I thought how we would apply this to the fledgling world of competitive adult spelling.

Adult Spelling

Spelling, it goes without saying, is a much more cerebral activity than competitive eating. But even cerebral activities can have personalities and mysteries. Witness the effect of Bobby Fischer on the game of chess in the United States. Though he now lives in Iceland, and periodically hurls epithets against the United States and some of its citizens, he electrified the country in the 1960s with his incredible chess insight and performance. Well, I am not suggesting that spelling have a "Bobby Fischer-type" person, but I think we have a precedent for an intellectual-type activity being widely recognized in America.

As I said, we would need nicknames, personalites/antics, and cheerleaders/announcers. Let me try to get started on the "nickname" front. I think that from the past five years of competitive spelling at the National Senior Spelling Bee in Cheyenne, WY we have the makings of lots of competitors and nicknames. Try these on for size. We might have Hal "King of the Road" Prince, because of his almost complete mastery of the Collegiatie dictionary. Aspiring spellers such as Scott "Pyro" Firebaugh and Randy "Help me Man" Hilfman would give the sport a hungriness and identity that would appeal to all. Past winners, Dave "The Enigma" Riddle and Jeff "Coach, The Cherryman" Kirsch (so named because he coached Isabel Jacobson, who was the last girl in the 2007 Scripps Howard Bee and who tied for 3rd overall) would also be invited. In order to have a woman or two involved we could invite 2007 winner Susan "Heartthrob" Hartner to participate or up and coming speller Helen "Give Me Some Slack" Slack-Miller. What would I name myself? Well, something like Bill "the Longshot" or "the Longsuffering" Long. In any case, we would milk these names for all they are worth, and get about a dozen of us up there to compete.

But then there is the issue of personality or antics, both of which are really necessary in order for us to get a national following. Certainly we would hold interest because of our spelling prowess but occasional outbursts or some kind of "out-there" behavior would have to characterize the contest. I may be the best choice for behavior that is out of the ordinary. Perhaps they could salvage some of the hot dogs that weren't eaten in Nathan's 4th of July contest and feed them to me after I got a word right. Perhaps I could be brought in on a chain, snipping at various other contestants or the audience. Perhaps I would have my "trainers" reading out of dictionaries to me as I mounted the stage, and I would spell words rapidly to them (in the hearing of the crowd) as a "warmup." In any case, I think that we need some personality in the event, and I would be willing to be the guinea pig for it--if it led to the greater glory of spelling.

To get an announcer/pronouncer shouldn't be too difficult. We could have college professors vie for the job. Dave Lerner, our expert pronouncer in Cheyenne, would be a natural for the job, since he spent a good number of his earlier years in television news. We also would need cheerleaders, who would make up inane cheers and give high kicks whenever a speller got a word right. I think, then, that we would have all the prerequisites for a successful tournament.

How To Proceed

I think the first 10 rounds or so of words should be derived from the Collegiate dictionary, the next 10 rounds or so from a prepared list (maybe the kids 23,000 word Consolidated Word List) and then, if people still weren't eliminated, the words would be derived either from the Unabridged or from the Internet at large (with the preferred spelling of disputed words being chosen). Maybe we would even have a "stump the spellers" contest with the crowd selecting some words. We would be allowed three misses, as is the case in the Senior Bee.

If we did something like this, we would soon rocket into the national consciousness. If eating can receive a lot of attention at a time when obesity is definitely not "in," why couldn't spelling receive national attention when being smart is gradually becoming the cool thing to be in America? I think we have the beginnings of something good here. Agree?

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