What do I want out of Life? Thinking about a Question..

This question was put to me by a "life coach," a man with whom I talked for a few times earlier this month. I called him in order not simply to see how he might challenge me in certain areas but also what made up his life. In fact, the actual question he posed to me in our parting email was "how do you want to be remembered?" but because I can't control that at all, I thought it might be more useful to answer a question that may be a little more in my grasp. Thus, the question, "what do I want out of life?" is a much more personal and, for me, evocative question. I would say that I would like three things: (1) firm and useful knowledge; (2) a means to express knowledge to broad, and individual, audiences; and (3) love and intimacy. Each of these requires some explanation.

I. Knowledge

When I speak of knowledge, I refer both to a present possession as well as a yearning for more clarity and understanding each day. Knowledge to me is something "firm"--i.e., it reflects what we as humans believe to be true about the world. I desire a great breadth of knowledge; this essay on becoming the "state polymath," lays that out. I would like historical, textual, linguistic, current knowledge of all kinds of things. I spend a good deal of time each day trying to come up with precise knowledge of the world. It is a drive both of my heart and mind, and I feel myself a unified person yearning after understanding of life.

The diversity of my sought knowledge is reflected, for example, in some of my activities today. For one hour I talked with an expert from IL on financial responsibility of motor carriers--and how to work with the federal Department of Transportation in suggesting new regulations on that issue. Then, I studied aspects of the new state receivership statute from WA, since I am trying to understand the "collapse" of the "condo craze" in America from a financial and legal perspective. This afternoon I wrote two essays on the raging debate in the autism world on the connection between heavy metal, and especially mercury, toxicity and autistic behavior. In each one of these I sought precision, clarity, up-to-date understanding and cultural relevance. Thus, I would say that the goal of my knowledge quest is quite grandiose: (a) to have instant and accurate knowledge of the essence of all things and; (b) be able to express this knowledge in succinct, lucid and precise language. This, of course, is "unrealistic:" no one can hope to do that in more than a field or two, I am told. But that is the quest that drives me, the longing that fuels the heart each day.

In that regard, I have often written on how our public educational system might be reformed in order to yield students who are engaged with knowledge and the world. This essay argues for an IEP for all students, and not just those with a disability. These two essays give examples of how I would initiate a middle school curriculum on words, words that could open the world to young people. In other words, in contrast to many speakers "out there," such as Sir Ken Robinson, who gives the most general advice about "creativity," I think that precise and detailed information has to be given about how to make a learning environment produce knowledge-hungry students.

II. Communicating Knowledge

Knowledge isn't of very much use to me if I don't have a means of communicating it. Of course it has to be internalized before it is any good for me, but once that is done, I long for ways to use most of my conversations as means for exploration of the world. But these informal channels are not enough for me. I feel that I need more formal challenges to do the same. Writing and speaking are two current means to do it. At present this web format satisfies my desire for communication of my ideas in writing, even though I do some writing of books or memos "for hire." I don't mind writing books; indeed, I wrote a short one just two months ago. But this site is apt to draw far more traffic than any one book I write. In the last year, for example, I have had more than 1,000,000 "page views" of this site, which is far more readers than I ever had when I wrote books. But this forum, though delightful, and though allowing me to write on anything I want, isn't all I desire.

I want the "living voice" of communication, give and take, and the creation of knowledge through live instruction. I don't want to teach, however, in the context of a degree program. I don't really want to correct student papers or to be in the context of a school, with all that implies for serving the institution. Though I love to communicate by writing, I think I am even better in person because the nature of our interaction is heart to heart/mind to mind and not mediated through the impersonality of this format.

I ought to add one thing to this. My desire to interact with people is not only in the context of large or even smaller "crowds:" I also seek to cultivate and offer individual attention to people. In that regard, I wrote an essay which I call "total life management," a method I have of trying to help people focus on their lives in a variety of areas. Thus, my desire to interact with people is on a number of levels, from the one-on-one questioning, probing, understanding, to a one-on-a larger crowd interaction. I love to create energy in those interactions; I would love to do some of this/more of this before I finish my course here on earth.

III. Love/Intimacy

Everyone says that they want love, but far fewer actually say that they have found it. I desire loving relationships, and perhaps a very special most intimate relationship, both because it provides balance, perspective, sexual connection and insight into the self and another but because it also allows the expression of certain characteristics and a special personal style that can come out nowhere else but in intimate connection. That is, I don't think you truly develop your style of relating to the world until you know yourself as a lover. In addition to relating closely to this one person, then, I seek an array of friendship relationships. In the past I have found it easier to have 1,000 "friends" than one or two real friends. But that has been changing of late, and I now discard those people who I perceive to be hanging around me either for favors or solely for their own pleasure.

Conclusion

Each day I long to get up to get back to these tasks; each night I reluctantly go to bed because I have to give up these quests for six or seven hours. I so much yearn for fuller understanding, but yet I live with a sense of deep satisfaction that things are fitting together so nicely for me in the middle of my days (56 this year). I feel that life has a series of paradoxes at its heart, and my paradox is that I am, like the burning bush that confronted Moses, "burning but not consumed." I feel grateful to be able to live to learn; I seek outlets so that this excitement, and some special knowledge I possess, can be communicated to people throughout the world. In one autobiographical essay, quoting Shakespeare, I call myself "the rarest man i' the world." I still think that is true.

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