What I Do Well (I): Helping People Think

By the time you have reached your 50s, you not only ought to be aware of the special skills you bring to the world, but you should not to be reluctant to share about them (and share them) when asked. The special skills might not, and probably are not, unique skills, but they are yours, and the way you put them together is uniquely yours. The sharing of skills is not done everywhere and at all times, but it should be done so that you don't underestimate or "undersell" yourself in the world. People are always trying to get you "cheap," especially if you have something to offer. If you don't spend some time thinking about what you are "worth" in this world, you will be regularly and consistently exploited. Though I use economic terms to express a person's worth, I put the words in quotation marks to indicate that the assessment of worth and reward for it may come in far more ways than simply the economic. Indeed, if economic reward is all you get, you will have a poor life despite possibly amassing a sizable fortune.

What I Do Exceedingly Well

Someone asked me the other night what I did for a living, since the answer to that question isn't really obvious. I write; I serve on a board; I consult; I speak. I work in the areas of law and religion and several other fields of academic inquiry. I have experience in education, government, the social service sector and business. When the man asked me the question of what I do, he was thus doing me quite a favor. He was forcing me, whether or not he knew it, to distill all these things into a statement that I felt was right and that "fit" me. My answer to his question is: "I help people think." That is fundamentally what I do. I help people think. And, I can say without much fear of equivocation that people need help thinking through lots of things. At this point of my life I help people think of the following things : (1) their personal lives; (2) their professional challenges [1 and 2 are not rigidly separable]; and also (3) I help groups think through their identity and their process. I also help people act, but that will be the subject of an additional essay.

Thinking about Personal Issues

When we meet a person for the first time, we think we meet the person, but in fact we only meet the present instantiation of an image of the person. The person we meet is the product of forces and experiences that take time to understand--for both parties. These are forces the other person has tried to grapple with in a coherent enough way so that s/he can say "hello" without dissolving into tears. Since it is nearly impossible for a person entering into another's life to get "instant access" to their core, it often is difficult for the person who has lived with himself/herself all these years really to understand the forces that buffet or shape them. Or, if the person does understand those forces, s/he sometimes feels so controlled or defined by them that they have no way of "escaping" the past. Those who deny the past's grip on them are probably worse off than those who confess they are in thrall to the past; they are worse off because they add, to the "problem" of the past, a denial of the problem.

Thus, when I meet a person, I know that standing before me is a not only a complex bodily system consisting of billions of cells and impulses, but a complex personal structure that is trying to do two almost contrary things all the time: to "keep the lid on" so that s/he can keep functioning in the world and to "explore the meaning" of the events from the past. The past may empower, but it also binds and shackles us with more power than police handcuffs. How? By giving us messages that are hard to confront. What are the messages? They are various, but a few are: 'you really aren't very important.' Or, 'you aren't competent.' Or, 'you aren't the pretty one.' Or, 'you have very little to offer.' One from my past was, 'you really don't have much to say' (Hm..maybe that is why I write so much...). Combined with these messages are vague and specific feelings of hurt; bruises and scars we have accumulated over the years. These hurts take the form of, 'I never was really affirmed, and so I doubt myself.' Or, 'My parents never gave me the skills to cope with life in the world.' Or, as Tommie Smothers used to say about little Dickie Smothers, "Mom always liked you best!"

We often don't need to confront these messages or forces from the past to get through our day. Indeed, I liken our lives to a reservoir that usually has lots of water in it and is frequently replenished through more rainfall. The surface is mostly calm, and it is a flat surface. However, when a draught comes, something interesting happens. As the water recedes, it not only leaves a kind of "water ring" around the outside of the lake, but all kinds of large stones or tree trunks begin to protrude through the placid surface of the reservoir. Draught not only lowers the water level but it also brings out things that always were there, but were, as it were, "buried" under the calm surface. It is then that we feel at a loss, attacked, brutalized, immobilized, depressed. Just when we needed some "help," all the bad things come back and assault us. We can try to deal with these things through a variety of strategies, and sometimes these strategies help (good diet, exercise, sleeping habits, maintenance of friendship networks, etc.), but often they can't really cover the gaping wounds or vulnerabilities that result. So, we are in pain and great need.

Though I am not trained as a psychologist or mental health specialist, I help people in these situations. How? By being a good listener, by not being afraid to let each drop of the pain be expressed, and by not being afraid of anything the person says to me. Since I believe that most people have a longing for life and for good things in their lives, I have a pretty good idea that they want to become "better," and so I have no fear. Usually one of the factors contributing to their present misery is an error in thinking. Or, said differently, one of the things holding them back from moving to the "better" life is an inability to deal with the often competing and sometimes very volatile and powerful voices from the past. What I do exceedingly well is to identify those voices, bring them to the present, let the voice speak with all its eloquence and power right before us, and then skillfully tell the voice to go away and not bother me or my friend anymore. This fourth and last step is often the longest and most difficult one but, with anything difficult, there are huge rewards in the form of increased understanding and personal courage.

Conclusion

One can face personal issues at any time of life. I was almost going to say, "One can try to avoid personal issues at any time of life." Indeed, we avoid them, and I will suggest some reasons for that in the next essay. But first, I need to say what other things I do well...

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