Too Little, Too Late?? On Love and Recognition

"Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back," my grandmother used to say to me regularly. "That and $.25 will get you a cup of coffee," my father frequently intoned. As I think of my deep past, I see my family of origin as wanting to put a damper on my natural (?) inclination for self- congratulation. I don't know why I seemed to have a greater need for affirmation than my brothers, but I recall thinking that if they weren't going to give it to me, I was going to have to give affirmation to myself. But I still wanted it from external sources. Yet, surprisingly enough, because I didn't receive it sufficiently from the "right" sources, I never really trusted it when it came from outside sources, much as I think I wanted it. As a result, I have never really come to grips with the kinds of recognition that I seek in this world, even though I have the feeling that I need a great measure of it rather desperately.

The same, or something similar, can be said about love. My family of origin, with four boys, a father working in New York City (with an 80 minute each-way commute) and loads of commotion, activities and fighting, really didn't embrace visible expressions of love. I believe we were loved by parents and grandparents, but I don't think the words "I love you" were mentioned very often, nor do I remember acts of love taking up a lot of time in the family. Granted, the times were different. My parents were both products of the Great Depression and WWII; they didn't "make it" in life by being "soft." Indeed, their families of origin had elements of harshness in them. You didn't eke your living out of the unforgiving soil in Lewis County NY (as my father did) without realizing that life had a lot of grim realities in it.

I acted out in elementary school, beginning in first grade and lasting until fifth. I wanted to be singled out for special treatment, special consideration, and when it wasn't forthcoming, I became a discipline problem. For years I thought that the reason for my actions was that the educational system wasn't a challenge to me. I think there is still some truth in that explanation, but the older I get the more I realize that I wasn't getting at home the kind of recognition or love I probably craved; thus, I put the burden on the school system to do it for me. More often than not, however, I ended up in the principal's office, trying to imitate the signature of Mortimer S. Johnson, the man himself.

Fast Forward To Today

I think that one way to characterize my work career was as a way to get the recognition that I never really got in my earlier days. And, by the time I got to my work career, I really believed I had something that should have been recognized. I had a combination of skills, personal self-presentation, knowledge and experience that made the most significant institutions in Oregon in education, law and religion, hire me. But I didn't last long in any job (no more than six years), principally because I either got bored or didn't seem to be able to give to the powers that be the things they wanted from me. One "evaluation conference" stands out clearly in my mind--when I worked for "BLF" (big law firm) in Portland. It consisted of two things: my own self-evaluation and the firm's evaluation of my performance. The partner asked me what I had felt I had contributed to the firm. I calmly went through seven things which I felt were so far above the call of duty that they ought to be recognized by special compensation or other forms of affirmation. For example, I had argued and won a case before the Oregon Court of Appeals within three years of beginning the practice of law; I had written a $4 million memo, as I called it, which was on a dull topic (the depreciation of equipment under the federal regulations) but which was the springboard to making some claims against the government that we eventually won (the partner for whom I wrote the memo, however, was "on the outs" with the firm, and didn't have an office in the firm office). When my review came back, the firm recognized that I had the ability to "find obscure references from difficult places" but they were silent on all seven points where I felt that I had made signal contributions. When I went home that night to think it over, it dawned on me that this was a recurrent pattern--that the people with whom I worked didn't seem to treasure in me what I considered some of my most valuable assets. I think I decided at that moment that I didn't think I would ever be evaluated according to how I wanted to be evaluated--and that the only person who would be able to give me the right kind of "strokes" was myself.

So, when I stopped working for money and began to write these essays, a level of energy and focus was unleashed in me that I always thought I possessed but never really had expressed. But I still had the issue nagging at me--it would be nice to have people affirm me for the unique and helpful things I bring to life, but I would rather have the freedom of working in the way I want than to try to search for affirmation. There is some lingering pain in that decision--for I think I still would like to discover some groups, which have money and general societal recognition, who will recognize me in the way I desire. It may be too late for me on personal recognition, both in terms of receiving it and knowing whether I really want it.

Love

Is it also too late for love for me? My optimistic friends say that it is never too late for love. And, I agree with them. But because I didn't feel I had the right love from my family of origin, which probably led to my inability to demonstrate it in the proper way in my 24-year marriage, I just don't know if it is "in the cards." Let me say this. I have tried to do some things in the last few years to be more "open" to love, by realizing that work isn't everything in life, by learning that it is not a community of intellectual or professional interests, necessarily, that is the precondition of love. I have discovered that most important to me is a community of pain--that is, discovering someone who really understands the nature of some of the pain I have felt as well as is interested in treasuring and protecting me in ways that I need. So, we will have to see how love department works, and how love and recognition will come together in the end.

Maybe it is the dissonance created by the lacks in these areas that has kept me searching, longing, working, writing, and thinking. If everything had been peaceful in my life, I probably would be asleep by now.

3389